


If You're Scared, I'm On My Way.

by brooklynbis



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Caring Magnus Bane, Clalec BroTP - Freeform, F/M, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, alec lightwood deserves a hug, clace, i love the clalec friendship tbh, magnus bane deserves a hug, mentions of torture, robert lightwood is an ass, the clave are also asses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 10:24:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15265458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: It had been a few days since magnus had left when it really showed in alec. Magnus hated to leave alec, and alec hated to leave magnus, but there was nothing either of them could do. they just had to accept it.________in which magnus makes a trip, alec has anxiety and jace and izzy are great siblings.





	If You're Scared, I'm On My Way.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for : anxiety, panic attacks, mentioned/referenced torture.
> 
> please tell me if there's anything else in here that could be considered triggering!
> 
> a fic which i wrote to project my feelings onto alec (probably will become a common theme in my writing haha). written mainly on my own experience of anxiety and panic attacks.
> 
> lowercase intended. title is from 'where's my love' by SYML

It had been a few days since Magnus had left when it really showed in Alec. Magnus had an important business trip to make, and despite the use of portals, it worked out as a week long trip. Magnus hated to leave Alec, and Alec hated to leave Magnus, but there was nothing either of them could do. Alec couldn't leave the Institute for that long, and Magnus couldn't split the trip into shorter lengths at a time. 

They just had to accept it. 

Day one 

Alec hated waking to an empty bed. Magnus had left late the night before, and Alec was determined to stay up to see him off. He did, but he didn't leave until 2am. Thankfully, Izzy and Jace knew he would probably be late to the Institute for one reason or another regarding Magnus' departure. 

The bedsheets were cold, not even the faintest hint of Magnus having been there. They spent the previous evening cuddled up in bed together, dozing and murmuring to each other, just appreciating each other's presence, savouring it. There was no evidence of that now, Alec sighed as he sat up and ran a hand through his messy hair. It didn't take him long to put on his clothes and open the curtains, letting the sunlight flood the room and shine on the gold silk sheets that adorned the bed. He didn't take much time to think about it, knowing he had responsibilities at the Institute to take care of. 

He left for the Institute early that morning, the air still crisp, and the streets relatively empty, as the sun began to peak over the buildings, indicating the start of a new day. He slumped slightly as he walked, but nevertheless, he walked quickly, not taking much time to get to the Institute. He arrived at the same time as most of the Shadowhunters began to return from their night patrols, and other than himself and the night shadowhunters, the Institute was quiet, the sun not having woke anyone from their slumbers yet. 

He took the opportunity to gather the things he needed to do for the day in his office. It was a beautiful day already, so he opened the balcony doors to allow some air to circulate. It could be an amazing day, but it didn't really matter when Magnus wasn't here. He sat in his chair, and looked at the stack of paperwork he had to fill out, and the meetings he had about the night patrols, along with his daily scheduled call with the clave. Since he had taken control, they had taken to daily calls to ensure he wasn't messing up, clearly not trusting him for a multitude of reasons. 

He just sighed, grabbing one of the files, opening it and grabbing a pen. 

___________

Day two 

"Alec, are you sure you don't want to take a break? You've been in meetings all morning," Izzy said as she followed him to his office after yet another meeting. 

"Izzy, I need to finish this paperwork and get it sent off before they call," he said, not looking back at her as he walked into the office, putting the ipad down on his desk. 

"At least come grab some lunch with Jace and I. It'll do you good to get some fresh air, and to eat something as well. Have you been eating when you've been at home?" Izzy said, sitting on the arm of one of the chairs. 

"Yes, I've been eating fine Iz. You and Jace go grab lunch, i'll eat something later," he dismissed, turning on his computer and opening his emails. 

"Fine, but will you at least let us bring you something back? You need to eat if you refuse to stop working," she pestered, raising her eyebrows as his eyes didn't leave the screen in front of him. 

"Yeah yeah, whatever," he said, waving her away as she sighed and left the office, closing the door behind her. Once he knew she was gone, he sighed and sat back in his chair, rubbing his eyes and ignoring his growling stomach. Magnus had called him the night before, but they only had a couple minutes to talk before another demon attack caught his attention, meaning he had to leave. 

He checked his phone, hoping there would be a reply from Magnus. He had texted him this morning, but it was obviously a different time in Spain. No text yet, he noticed, as he tried to pretend like it didn't bother him. It obviously wasn't Magnus' fault he was busy, but Alec just wanted to talk to him. He missed him. 

_____________

Day three 

"So, today you three will be on overnight patrols, I'd suggest sleeping early. Underhill, I want you on patrols here with those three, and you four can be patrolling in this area-" Alec said, stopping to stifle a yawn. "Sorry. As I was saying-" he said, stopping again to yawn. 

"Excuse me, I think that will be everything. Dismissed," he said, and as soon as attention was away from him, he yawned, blinking a few times to keep himself awake. 

"Have you been sleeping properly Alec?" Jace said lowly from beside him, making him jump. 

"When the hell did you get there?" he tried to joke as he moved from the center of the ops centre, checking the sensors for any demon activity as Jace followed him. 

"Stop avoiding the question Alec, you're tired," he stated as Alec shrugged, closing the map on the sensors and turning to him. 

"I'm fine. Magnus' sheets are rather comfortable I'll have you know," he said, beginning to walk away to his office when Jace followed him and rested a hand on his shoulder. 

"Maybe it'd be a good idea to sleep here for the next few days, just until Magnus gets back," he suggested as Alec rolled his eyes. 

"Jace, I'm fine, seriously. Plus, the Institute doesn't have a memory foam mattress," he joked, brushing his hand off and entering his office, leaving his parabatai stood on the other side. 

(If Jace found him asleep on his desk a few hours later, nobody had to know.) 

______________

Day four 

"We're intervening," Izzy declared as she stomped into his office with Jace following her. 

"Wait, what?" he asked, confused as he looked up from the file he was looking over. 

"You need to rest brother, take care of yourself," Jace piped up as Izzy leant on his desk and Jace sat on the arm of the chair opposite the desk. 

"Guys, I'm honestly fine. I'm taking care of myself just fine, but I do have a lot of files to read through before I have an important call to take," he said, trying to keep things vague. Nobody knew about the Clave's daily check ins, he didn't see the point in making anyone anymore concerned about him. 

"Nothing is more important than you taking care of yourself Alec, c'mon," Izzy sighed, grabbing the file out of his hand as he started to protest. 

"No Alec, Magnus wouldn't want to see you like this," Izzy said as Alec raised his eyebrows and his phone began to ring. 

"Guys, this is important, you need to leave," Alec gestured towards the door as he picked up the phone, seeing the call was from an unknown number, as Clave calls usually were. They sighed, reluctantly leaving, and Alec made sure the door was firmly closed before answering the call, walking towards the open balcony to prevent them listening in. 

"Hello?" he answered, and his eyes went wide as he recognised the voice that replied. 

"Alec, what's this I'm hearing about you not running the Institute properly? I thought we could trust you with it!" Robert exclaimed down the phone as Alec winced at the volume. 

"Where did you hear that? I'm running the Institute just fine," he replied. 

"Alec, the Clave sends me updates every day, and you're fucking up royally. You're not doing the paperwork, you're sending people to the wrong places, demon attacks are rising everyday, you're going on missions alone, and you're protecting downworlders more than your own people! If you don't get it sorted, they will give punishments, and I'll be sure to be the first person in line!" he said as Alec sighed, running his hand through his hair again. 

"You already ruined the family name with your little stunt at your wedding, and your stupid fling with that warlock has gone on long enough. Prioritize your own people for once, be a proper leader. I will not let you ruin this family again," he said loudly, spitting out warlock like it was a cursed word. 

"That warlock has a name, and I am being a leader. I'm not the one ruining this family, I'm not the one having affairs left right and centre," he retaliated, frowning. 

"Don't you dare turn this around on me! At least I'm not the one fucking some good for nothing just to appear more 'tolerant' of others. You need to sort yourself out, you piece of shit, or I'll come there myself and sort you out, and trust me, I know exactly how to get to you," he chuckled at the end, making Alec gulp slightly. 

"You can't do that dad, I'm running this Institute fine," he gritted his teeth. 

"I think you'll find I can." Alec sucked in a breath as Robert started talking to him about how he could hurt everyone he loved - Magnus, Jace, Izzy, Max, his mother, Clary, Raphael, Simon, anyone and everyone with a connection to him or Magnus. He knew that it was just as easy to hurt Magnus - and maybe even more effective than hurting Alec directly. 

"You wouldn't dare. You'd be punished before that could happen, torturing downworlders breaks the accords," he said, tears filling his eyes.

"Hmm, well I'll get around that. Self defence, or I could hurt them by hurting other Shadowhunters they care about. Clary would be a two in one, with both Jace and the vamp. Cover it up as a demon attack, easy enough. I have the tools Alexander, so you better get your act together." he threatened before hanging up, leaving Alec staring at his phone in shock as he tried to wipe his tears away. 

He did know exactly how to get to him. He may not've liked Clary and Simon when they first turned up, but they've grown on him. Raphael is as much a son to him as he is to Magnus, and Robert knew he cared about everyone else he mentioned to not change out of fear. 

He quickly slammed closed the balcony doors, chucking his phone across the room and watching it smash, effectively killing it. He gripped his hair, tugging at it slightly as Robert had placed images in his mind he never wanted to see. 

He felt his legs give out from under him as he fell to the floor, his back supported by the wall as tears slowly made their way down his pale cheeks, and he felt his breathing speed up with the thoughts on a loop. Everyone was going to die because of him, or be tortured. He would have to watch Magnus and Jace and Izzy and his mother be tortured whilst he did nothing, and there was nothing he could do, nothing he could do, nothing he could do- 

"Alec? Buddy can you hear me?" a voice broke through his thoughts and as he blinked to see through his tears, he could just make out Jace beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder. 

He just whimpered in response, blindly reaching out towards Jace and feeling a hand gripping his tightly. 

"It's okay, Alec, we're here. You need to try and slow down your breathing though," he said, making Alec panic more, as Magnus was usually the only one to help him through a panic attack, and at this point, he didn't have to explain to Magnus what he needed, he just knew. All the notes Magnus had made for when he wasn't there were on Alec's phone, which he had broken, making him panic further. 

"Alec, breathe. C'mon, I know you can do it," Jace encouraged, sitting down beside him as Alec wriggled his hand free and blindly fumbled around until his hand made contact with Jace's chest. Jace didn't stop him as he rested his palm over his heart, closing his eyes despite the tears falling from them and trying to focus on his steady heartbeat and not on the images and thoughts racing around his mind. 

He felt another hand start running its way through his hair soothingly and another on his back, and judging by the quiet shushes coming from behind him, he knew it was Izzy. He was quick to shrug her hands off him though, feeling trapped as he whined slightly in protest. 

They sat there in silence for a while, the only noises being Izzy and Jace's quiet reassurances and encouragements and Alec's heavy breathing and occasional sobs. Soon enough, his heavy breathing ceased, and he tried to wipe away some his tears, embarrassed yet still terrified. 

"Hey, it's okay Alec. There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Izzy said, as if she could read his mind. He just shook his head, sighing as he rested his head on Jace's shoulder, needing the physical comfort in that moment. 

"It's okay, you're safe," Jace murmured, wrapping his arms around his parabatai as Izzy's hand returned to his hair. This time, he didn't struggle away, but backed into it, finding it extremely soothing. 

"Magnus wasn't picking up, so I left him a voicemail," Izzy said quietly as Alec nodded, sighing. 

"Wanna tell us what triggered it? Obviously you don't have to, but it might help," Jace asked as Alec quickly shook his head. 

"Not now." he replied, as they both nodded, not wanting to push him. 

"What do you usually do after you've had a panic attack? Does Magnus usually do anything in particular?" Izzy asked as Alec shrugged. 

"Nothing that we can do now. He usually makes sure I'm physically taken care of, and then we usually watch a film and talk," he said, sighing out of annoyance that he can't do that now. 

"Well, what's stopping us from doing that now?" Jace asked with a smile as Alec sat up and rubbed his sore, red eyes. 

"The fact that I have an Institute to run. And you guys have a training session in like, 15 minutes," he raised his eyebrows. 

"The Institute and training can wait Alec, you should go take a nap. Izzy and I can hold down the fort whilst you rest, and we'll only be a few rooms away anyway," Jace reassured him as Alec shook his head, waiting a moment to speak. 

"I usually can't sleep on my own after an attack," he mumbled after a moment as Izzy smiled at him. 

"Then we'll come sleep with you. The Institute can deal without us for a few hours," she said as he just sighed and nodded. They quickly got up and helped him up, his legs still being a bit shaky. 

"You alright there?" Jace asked him as he nodded, letting go of both of them. 

"It'll look weird otherwise," he quickly justified as they just sighed and nodded, as he followed Izzy and Jace out of his office, through the ops center and into Jace's room, which arguably had the biggest bed and the comfiest mattress. 

"I don't think it'll compare to memory foam or whatever shit Magnus has, but it'll do?" Jace said to Alec as he chuckled slightly and nodded. Clary was stood in front of an open wardrobe, and she turned when she heard the noise. 

"Oh hey guys," she said with a smile, as Jace smiled and walked over to her, talking to her in a hushed tone as she nodded and smiled, kissing his cheek before walking towards the door. 

"Hope you feel better Alec," she said with a smile before leaving and Jace closed the door behind her. He just sighed, as Izzy guided him over to the bed, making him sit down as she removed his boots and Jace took off his jacket as Alec yawned loudly, making them both laugh softly. 

"C'mon buddy, time to sleep," Jace said as they all climbed into the bed, Alec between the two of them. They didn't hesitate to snuggle into either side of him, and as he slowly got warm in the bed, with two heat sources either side of him, he slowly drifted off into a fitful sleep. 

________________

He woke again when the heat left the bed. He quickly sat up in fear, before relaxing slightly when he saw Jace and Izzy putting their shoes back on quickly. 

"Where are you guys going?" he asked quietly, rubbing his eyes and clearing his voice a bit. 

"We need to go take care of something, you stay here, alright?" Jace reassured him as Clary walked back into the room quickly. 

"Developments, apparently there are a lot of demons, a couple shadowhunters dead already and some wolves have been taken out too," she said, before stopping and realising Alec was awake. 

"Wait what? You guys were going to go on mission and not tell me?" he said, quickly clambering out of the bed. 

"Alec, we all thought it was best for you to sit this one out," Clary defended them as he frowned and grabbed his boots. 

"No, I have to go. I'm Head of the Institute, I have to-" 

"Alec, we got this. Please stay here, you need to rest until Magnus gets back," Izzy said as he shook his head quickly. 

"No, he'll get you if I don't go," he mumbled, making them all frown in confusion as he finished lacing up his boots and stood up.

"Wait what?" 

"Never mind, let's just go," he said, quickly pushing past Clary and making his way to the ops centre. 

_______________

"See, I told you I'd be fine," Alec said as the four of them walked back into the institute. 

"We didn't know that Alec, usually Magnus forces you to take a few days off for that exact reason," Izzy replied as Alec turned around to face them. 

"Well Magnus isn't here. So now, I'm going to go into my office and write up the paperwork for this mission and send it to the Clave." Alec said as he turned to walk into his office. 

"Not on my watch you won't be," a familiar voice said from inside the office and as he turned towards the balcony, he saw Magnus stood there, smiling at the shadowhunter as he dropped the file and quickly made his way to Magnus, hugging him tightly. 

"Why are you back? You're meant to be gone for another three days," he mumbled into Magnus' shoulder as he inhaled Magnus' familiar scent. 

"Well my dear, that client was quite the bore, I just couldn't stand her anymore," he chuckled. "And I heard a certain little shadowhunter needed taking care of." he added quietly as Alec gave him a squeeze, closing his eyes against the soft velvet of Magnus' jacket. 

"How about we head home darling? They've all gone, don't worry," he reassured as Alec reluctantly let his boyfriend go long enough for him to make a portal, and together they stepped through it. 

"Sorry I let it become such a mess," Alec said awkwardly as they entered the living room, scratching the back of his neck. With a snap of his fingers, the mess was gone. 

"What mess?" he joked, making Alec smile slightly. "Go get changed sweetheart and I'll make us some food. A little bird told me you hadn't been eating much," he said, as Alec looked down sheepishly but quickly followed his instructions, taking off his Institute clothes and putting on a pair of sweats and a tshirt that Magnus had summoned for him on his way to the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair as he waited for Magnus to return. 

When he did, he had a tray of food with him, nothing too heavy as he knew Alec wouldn't eat it. He made sure Alec was in bed before getting in beside him and resting the tray beside them. Alec immediately went for the drink Magnus had made him, just a simple cup of tea as Magnus sighed. 

"Alec, you need to eat sweetheart, for me," Magnus sighed, taking the tea from him as Alec sighed, shaking his head. Magnus knew that after an attack, it was a struggle to get Alec to eat, and it usually resulted in him feeding Alec some food to make sure he had eaten something. 

Quietly, he grabbed the spoon from the bowl of yogurt, and after a bit of reluctance, Alec allowed Magnus to feed him as he leant against him, feeling his eyelids become heavy. 

"What film do you want to watch honey?" magnus asked, snapping his fingers and making the tray disappear at the same time as a big tv appeared at the foot of their bed. 

"Can we watch that one about the toys?" he asked quietly, looking up at his boyfriend as Magnus looked down at him and smiled. 

Toy Story? Which one?" 

"The one with the girl doll who sings that sad song," Alec said, letting himself lean on Magnus' shoulder a bit heavier as Magnus smiled and made the film appear on the screen. 

When it got to the song 'When She Loved Me', Magnus looked down to find his shirt a little damp from where Alec had decided to rest his head, right above his heart as his arms were wound around the younger man's frame. 

"You always have loved this song," Magnus commented, "Ever since I first showed you this film." 

"It's a beautiful film. And a beautiful song. Reminds me a bit of my Dad," he mumbled, as Magnus paused the film and looked down at him. 

"Did he set off today's attack?" Magnus asked and after a while, Alec nodded slightly whilst playing with the hem of Magnus' shirt. "What did he do this time?" 

"Threatened me. Us. Everyone I love," he sniffled slightly, as Magnus sat up slightly, catching Alec's attention as Alec looked up at him, tears in his eyes again. Alec sat forward, pulling away from Magnus slightly. 

"The Clave have been calling me daily to ridicule me about how I've been running the Institute, and it's been stressing me out. When I thought it was them, it was actually him." Alec said and Magnus didn't reply, knowing Alec would stop talking if he interrupted. 

"He had a massive go at me for ruining the family name, and when I told him it was him who had done that, he had another go at me and threatened everyone I loved to try and punish me if I didn't get my act together. He insulted you," Alec said, swallowing slightly as Magnus sat forward and resting a hand on his bare back. 

"H-He threatened you, and Jace, and Izzy and Mom and everyone else, if I didn't sort it out. He said he'd make me watch it all as he caused Izzy and Jace pain by torturing and killing Simon and Clary. Then he said he'd make us watch him torture and kill Raphael and then he said he'd do the s-same to you, and cover it up as d-demon attacks-" he said, cutting himself off with another sob as the images flooded his mind again. 

"Shh, it's alright Alexander, I'm here," he said quietly, as Alec fell back against his chest, Magnus' legs either side of him as he felt Magnus keep him upright. 

"He could though, that's what scares me more than anything else," he said, trying to wipe away his tears again. 

"Alexander, I promise you, you're safe, I'm safe, we're safe. He can't get to any of them, I promise you. It was just threats, I'd never let him do that," Magnus reassured him as Alec sighed, wrapping his arms around one of Magnus', leaning into it. 

"I love you," he mumbled as Magnus kissed the top of his head and smiled down at him. 

"I love you too Alexander. Always."

**Author's Note:**

> sooo
> 
> feedback would be greatly appreciated, and any prompts or things you'd like me to write would also be great!


End file.
